Escaping and being on your own

Casino and electronic gaming appeared in many cases to have provided older adults, particularly women, with the opportunity to go beyond the traditional roles of caring and sacrifice for others. For example, P.M. spoke of her gambling this way: “When you're here (gambling) … you're more or less on your own and nobody can control you—we always helped our kids a lot, so I didn't feel like I should just scrimp and save any more!” Another woman, T.L., described her gambling as a welcome relief from years of having to commit to her family: “I raised a family all by myself, done all these things … I've had to follow all these rules and I've had to commit myself, always, always, always, I'm not doing it any more, I am retired.” Similarly, M.M . acknowledged, “You don't do it every day, but you do it occasionally, and I have to admit that it is fun to stay up until three … and be bad for change!”

Gambling appeared to provide an escape from the reality of current life problems for many seniors. T.L. explained this as follows:

It's an escape, it's an escape, and I think a person has to make some changes to get out of that situation.… It's just been a nice escape for me, so even though it causes me grief at times it's an escape from reality .

M.M. reiterated this idea of gambling as an escape, even going so far as to call it her “fairy world” and “little hideaway.” She explained why her gambling became so problematic for her in later life:

I think that's the basic reason, is to get away from reality, just go to a fairy world.…Yeah, it's an escape, wherever your mind blanks out, you don't think about it.… That's it, your little hideaway, on that chair.

P.M. suffered the loss of her husband, and gambling became her avenue of escape:

I went with him for about five years and then he died suddenly of an aneurysm. He was fifty-one, and then I guessed I was pretty depressed and lonely and you know, it was one place that you could just be away.

C.A. described how gambling could even help you forget about the physical losses associated with aging: “I know I'm losing in the long run … but I use it as a recreation vehicle.… I want to forget about my arthritis in my hands.”

In addition to providing an escape, pathological gambling could also provide a way for seniors to isolate themselves when they feel depressed or solitary. C.F. described this well:

I don't go there [the casino] to meet people; I don't go there because I know somebody there that's gambling, I don't do that. I just go there, just sit in a corner, just leave me alone, just don't talk to me, I want to be by myself.

Feeling good through a big win

Winning can be experienced by older pathological gamblers as a powerful ego-booster and keeps them addicted to gambling, as they try to recreate the magical feelings of the big win. O.L. described this magic :

It's the sound, it's the carrying it, if I win big I put it in my pants pockets, not my purse and I go straight to my vehicle and ah, a couple of times, like you know, when I won that twenty-five hundred, I actually let some young supervisors walk me to my vehicle.

M.A. had a similar way of describing this: “ I feel good … I generally don't win that much, but it's something wonderful now and then, where I have won four or five hundred dollars, that's great.” C.A ., an older gentleman with gambling problems, described how these early big wins initially “hooked” him into gambling and began his problems:

Well one day I just said “let's go to the casino,” you know, just for the heck of it. I'd never been in there, and I'd walked by the stupid place for years and years without ever going in. So I went in, and won $1000! So I'm thinking by golly, and then a couple of weeks later I won $2700! So I figured I'm doing a bang-up job … and that's how it all started.

Experiencing a big win appears to both begin, and revitalize, the gambling process for older pathological gamblers. H.J. describes her surprise with not only winning a large amount but being a winner:

Well, they told me I got the big win for the day, so I got kind of excited. But then they told me “no—you got the big win for today—you're the only winner.” I won ninety-four hundred dollars! I couldn't believe it!

Some older gamblers, however, had the insight to realize that such big wins could have a darker side—a side that kept drawing them back to gambling. As M.M. relayed, with a serious expression on her face, “I have occasionally won twenty-seven hundred from only playing three loonies, and I said, ‘Oh my God, I shouldn't have done this … because now we'll be gambling again.’”

The emotional roller coaster ride

Older adult problem gamblers can get carried away by the gambling action—one moment they are up, the next they come hurtling down again. Due to the unpredictability of the gaming action, the problem gambler becomes caught in a veritable roller coaster ride of emotions. H.J. described his own gambling ups and downs : “In horse racing you are either down in the depths, because you had a bad day, or else you're exhilarated … there's hardly any in between.” The highs of the roller coaster can indeed be sweet and exciting, as O.L. explains:

In the casino it seems you can win or lose a lot more money, and I think it's the excitement in the casino, when you cash out it's the excitement of all the quarters or all the dollars falling in the pot.

However, older problem gamblers also described the dreaded lows that quickly follow the highs of the roller coaster ride of gambling. B.B. experienced it this way: “It's just such a big fast flip-flop … first, it's real excitement and then, BANG! … real depression.” T.L.'s experience with depression mirrors this: “ You can quickly become very depressed and angry, all sorts of things and I'm too ashamed to admit to my family that I gamble as much as I do.” Similarly, B.B. reported being in and out of depression, often voicing her anger and depression to the actual machines she was playing:

You know, I was on so much medication, and it kept on getting worse . Eventually, however, in my case, I'd just get real mad. In my case, I've even started yelling at the machines! You know, “ Why the hell aren't you paying me??!!” ‘Cause you know, the machine next to me would be paying out.…

As gambling expenditures increase, the values and belief systems of the older gamblers become jeopardized, subsequently triggering guilt and self-loathing. M.A., for example, told how his gambling problems were in conflict with his Christian beliefs: “My son doesn't say much of anything about my gambling even though we're fairly close.… I might not sound like it, but I am a very strong Christian, so sometimes I have some guilty feelings there.” Similarly, O.L. remarked how her behaviour was at odds with what she believed she should do:

Later you're disappointed with yourself, because you work so hard to keep your bills paid up, then, your charge card is up, you know darn well that maybe the last two hundred dollars you spent on gambling should have went towards paying off that card.

Guilt, in turn, is accompanied in several pathological gamblers by chronic worrying and remorse. P.L. acknowledged this:

After a while, I started sitting back and thought and thought for hours and hours, that probably this year, (kind of reason why I phoned you) is that, I maybe lost four thousand dollars this year—and all this finally started to really worry me.

P.M. also felt both guilty and worried about her gambling behaviours:

You hate yourself; we always helped our kids so I shouldn't feel guilty because they're all well off.… So I shouldn't feel guilty but I do. I then start to really worry about what happens if something happens to one of them—and then I kick myself! I should have given each of them twenty thousand dollars at least. [Sigh] Instead, I pissed it all away.

Double trouble: Extended play to recoup losses or to keep winning

Participants spoke often of the intense chaos generated by attempts to recoup losses and remain in control of their lives. M.A. affirmed that chasing losses was intense:

Sometimes when the machine doesn't win and I have some money left I go to the blackjack table and I am able to recover what I lost from the machine … instead of putting the money back in the bank, I will go back to another machine and see if I can make it talk—then you start getting in double trouble [emphasis].

T.L. was also seduced into chasing losses:

You can lose five or six hundred dollars and you start thinking to yourself: “it has to pay out … it has to pay out. “ Then you starting thinking that maybe you should just quit. But then another part of you kicks in and you start thinking, “No, no, no quitting now, pretty soon it will start paying!” Do you see how crazy it gets!?

O.L. descended into this same “craziness” to recoup her losses:

There was nothing I needed to go home for … ah, I didn't have to, you know, prepare a meal, and I just wanted to win back my money.… That machine got my hundred dollars and I'm going to get it back! But pretty soon that machine's got two hundred dollars.

This urge to recover losses can become so pronounced that people may gamble for extended periods, with complete loss of any sense of time. M.M. acknowledged that this was the case for her: “Sometimes we are there from ten o'clock in the morning until three o'clock in the morning.” Similarly, older problem gamblers could lose track of not only how much they were gambling during a day but even how much they were gambling during a week. As C.F. stated, “I'd kind of lose track of the days … like last week I think I went back for three days in a row because I am on a winning streak.” M.A. also noted this:

Sometimes I look at a month, and I'd realize I played seventeen times this month. Oh my God, I'll say, I'd better quit—look what I have done, I've lost at least seven hundred dollars this month … but of course, I couldn't quit.

With some participants, this “double trouble” of playing to recoup losses or keep winning led to unusual or obsessive behaviour. B.B. described this kind of behaviour with relation to the machines she would play:

You didn't ever let anybody get your machine. You could leave it for minutes to get some money, but you had to run and get money … or sometimes you came back and somebody else got it [the VLT machine]. I would tell them that was my machine I just left, you don't take it! By the end of the night if I put a thousand dollars in it [the machine], and walked away and never got anything, you had to be back at ten o'clock in the morning, right when they opened, to get the same machine … otherwise, somebody might get “my” money!

S.J. described similar thinking and behaviour:

I got kind of crazy and kept thinking it [the VLT machine] was going to pay off, so I couldn't leave it for someone else . I'd wait and wait for it to pay out until I couldn't take it any more.…I'd turn my chair backwards on it [the machine] and take my coins and run to the ladies' room and come back as fast as I could. Sometimes I just seem to be glued to it.

Attempting to regulate or cut back on gambling

Many problem gamblers in this study reported phases of trying to regulate or cut down their gambling. For example, one participant would occasionally keep track of the amount of gambling on a computer, while another used a notebook. M.A., in contrast, tried to develop a schedule:

I would say other than a Wednesday night … I have been keeping to about twice on the weekend, maybe Saturday, Sunday afternoon, or Friday night, and Saturday afternoon, something like that.… I still go, and when you run into a streak of bad luck, that's when I cut down a bit, or say I'm only going to play regular cards, or I'll fold cards for awhile.

Yet such attempts to regulate gambling often seemed short-lived and often left the older problem gambler frustrated and yearning to play more. P.L. described it this way: “I have gone up to two or three weeks and completely stayed away, but then I get that big urge to play.” O.L. had a similar experience:

I don't have very many more years to sock a little bit away, ah, you know, then I get quite mad at myself and then I'll stay away for quite awhile, and then I'll say ‘I've been good,’ and before I know it, I'll be back.

Hiding, lying, borrowing, and stealing to continue gambling

Participants also described a process where, as their gambling became more and more out of control, they increased their efforts to hide their gambling from significant others. C.F. described her experience of this: “Sometimes right at ten o'clock I would need to go gamble, if I didn't have to work, I would lie to my husband, and tell him that I have to clean some more houses.” P.M. also tried to hide her gambling from her daughter: “I would park beside the Salvation Army, and tell her and pretend that I am doing volunteer work there, but my daughter finally checked a couple of times.”

One study participant, B.B., felt so burdened by her gambling behaviour that she went to extravagant means to conceal it from others:

Like lots of times I would stay out, I would sleep in the car, until he (my husband) went to work and then I would go in the house to bed. ‘Cause I was scared and this would go on for months, sometimes I would even drive around the country until he wasn't in the house when I would be there.… Many nights I slept in the car so I wouldn't have to face him about where I'd been.

Eventually, some participants had lost so much control of gambling expenditures that they would begin to borrow or steal to continue to chase “the big win.” B.B. described how this happened to her:

At first, I starting begging my kids, because even though they were going to school, they were also working part-time—so I asked them to lend me the money.… You know, that's something you just don't do—and we've been broke before but never did anything like this. Later on, I frauded the bank, and they were actually good to me!

M.M. also described problems with banks, who she claimed “never asked a thing,” because she was a “nice little old lady.” She put it this way:

At first, you get a loan from the bank to cover it, and then before you know it you're in really big trouble.… Then you go mortgage the house you have paid off, and that's how I ended up where I am at now.

P.M. too, lost her house to pay for her gambling habit: “ Well I sold my house, and the price of my house is gone.… I used to be pretty well off at one time.”

Clinging to hope: “There's always that chance”

Even when they claimed they knew logically that their “chase” was hopeless, many participants described still clinging to the faint hope of winning the big jackpot. O.L . describes this:

It's the, it's the chance, because they have a lot of um, what do they call those ah, they have big jackpots, there is three machines that are connected all over Alberta.… So you know, ah, I've seen that jackpot up to like, nine hundred and some thousand, ah, you know, so there's always the chance that you'll win, and I keep playing.

T.L. had also reached the hopelessness phase of his gambling, yet continued to wager more and more for that one final win that would “save” him:

I keep going back.… I was just thinking, if I won that great big progressive thing, it was up to a hundred and seventy thousand the other day, and I thought if I could win that hundred and seventy thousand, I could pay off my debts, pay off my house, buy a new car, buy all new furniture.

Hitting bottom: Putting the brakes on gambling

For a few participants, a point came when the feverish gambling finally ended in a process of “hitting bottom” or “putting the brakes on.” For participants, this process happened in different ways. For P.M., hitting bottom was simply having nowhere else to go for money: “Well when you run out of money you pretty well have to put the brakes on.… I realized I had no more to live on, and that I was in big trouble.” For T.L., rock bottom also coincided with completely running out of money: “I didn't have enough money to pay the rent and so I went down to the bank and said, ‘Has this cheque been cashed or has this cheque been cashed?’—but I knew the game was over.” For B.B., hitting bottom was accompanied by a brush with suicide:

I was feeling weird, feeling that I was so far in debt, I was having problems with the bank, I actually did let go of the wheel for five seconds and a semi was coming up … and I said to myself, ‘wake up! … you won't waste your life because of this.’

Seeking help

Four study participants had actually sought help for their gambling problems. B.B. had seen an advertisement for a 1-800 gambling help number, and gathered the courage to both phone and tell her husband about her gambling: “… so I phoned the 1-800 number and they told me when the meetings were, so I sat down and told him, but I told him you need to come with me.” C.F. also attested to how the first experience of seeking help was fraught with fear and anxiety:

So my first meeting I was terrified, and I bawled more than anything. But you know, when I walked in there—and it was the most, I had the feeling—I felt like I knew some people in there really well, and they knew me.

Another older pathological gambler who got help by attending Gamblers Anonymous described a similar experience of his first few meetings: “ It was just not me in there, there are a lot of people out there like me, and if I was going to get help, I had to stick with it.”

Other participants found Gamblers Anonymous less than helpful. T.L. explained her experience:

I tried to go back to GA and it was the same thing, a personality thing.… You can phone the number, which is what I did about four years ago, I went to a couple of meetings, but I ah, found them like I said, it was so smoky and I found it degrading, let's put it that way.

Recovering from a gambling compulsion can be attempted in many ways: some try treatment, some try to control their gambling, others try Gamblers Anonymous, while others quit cold turkey. M.M. tried another avenue: “I went to a hypnotist, it cost me three hundred dollars, and I stayed away for eight months.”